Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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