Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
