She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
