I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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