i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
