im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
