FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
