By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
