I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
A+ Viking dick
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
