Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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