whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm too high and old for this...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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