So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
