it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
