Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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