gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
