Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize