i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize