so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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