between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
