Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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