i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
