I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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