ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
