News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
