Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
