her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize