Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
