k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
