Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
