Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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