capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
