Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
