i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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