Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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