Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
