I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
