He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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