Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize