he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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