I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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