I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
