My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
