my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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