I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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