i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
