i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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