Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
