and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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