Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
