I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
