I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
