I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
