she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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