My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
