Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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