my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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