i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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