I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize