I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize