Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
