Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sorry about my life...
I'm sobbing to NWA
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
