He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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