I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
