i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
