im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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